The time for planning is over

It appears that I am followed by wand energy at the moment. From the four to five and now.. the Three of Wands. From celebration, to conflict and now to the moment of progress, of expansion. Two cards popped out together today and I went back and forth on which one to keep. A friend sitting with me chose the three, my first thought was the eight (also of wands), it landed on top and so I thought it was fitting to pick that one. But then I thought about each card, the three is a moment of expansion, of progress and the eight is also about progress but more focused on a big shift, something swift, a breakthrough. The three is more about vision, new horizons, plans going to plan and stepping out of old boundaries. 

I wanted the eight. I wanted my life to be on the edge of breakthrough, about to be swept up into momentum, and maybe it will be, but I think that part comes after I decide my next moves. Which is what the card of today says. The Three of Wands. 

It shows a figure at rivers edge, looking out, a vast sky before them, beyond the wide river and rolling hills. In the paws deck this figure is a cat wearing a blue rubber ring, for the whimsy. Three wands stand high out of the ground, with the cat holding onto one of them, for stability and support as the next part of the journey unfolds. 

This card is exactly where my mind has been this morning. Mulling over how engrained we get in our own identities, and how these identities are what shape our lives. I’ve become addicted to being in the process lately. I feel so safe having learnt so much about healing but having the ability to be kinder to myself has not freed me from enabling myself. I’ve become stuck in a constant state of preparing myself to become myself. Even the words are tiring. An endless whining loop.

It ends at the river side.

I walk in amongst the weeds, the reefs and the fishes. I feel soil beneath my feet but I step only for a moment before my foot in lifted and thrust forward. Wand in hand I push on further. Further. I don’t know what is on the other side of this river, nor what is in it but one foot goes in front of the other. To cross a river you must always focus, its like driving through a spectacular view. You know its beautiful, you can see it all around you but you must keep your eyes forward, forward on the way or you may lose it, lose your footing and be lost. 

I’ve left the safety of the two steady wands on the shore now and although I’m prepared - I’ve got my rubber ring with me - I’ve set out into some unknown. 

Finally I feel a weight is lifting. The old starts to feel like carrying around a cage, a cage where the walls are forever closing in. If a soul can breathe this is what it feels like to suffocate it. Being bound by patterns and systems that limit its expression and restrict its expansion. There is no more looking out and wondering with the three of wands, it demands action, creativity, it demands a manifestation of what was inner to come out. 

I need that too. We need that.

Lately I’ve been listening to a woman online speak about coherence. Coherence of the self in this context. Not a crazy notion, simply that coherence occurs when our minds, emotions and actions are in alignment. Certainly sounds simple enough; I’ve been struggling with coherence my whole life, apparently. Here the card asks for coherence. To get to the three of wands, we have passed through the Ace, the card of initiation, the call to action and creativity and we’ve found Two, where we made some decisions and laid some plans and we have arrived at Three - do it. Four is where we will celebrate, where we say I did it and I can do it but for now, do the work, take the action, step forward. 

I’m better at one and two, I think many of us are. Ideas can come easily, planning them can be a fulfilling experience with a big dopamine hit. But following through can bring up all sorts of blocks, resistance and insecurities. Maybe we take that first step into the river and just can’t go any further, maybe we take that first step and are so relieved that we celebrate too early, letting ourselves believe that the first step was an achievement and more than what it really was. It was the first step…of which more are required. 

I’m tired. Tired of this world. Tired of its expectations and limitations. Tired of fighting so hard to just, be. Tired of needing everything to lead to income. Tired of low income. Tired that I know about what crushes a soul more than what expands it. Tired for us all. 

Reverse of the card. A lack of movement and adventure. Restriction and self doubt. All the things that will either stop you from leaving that rivers edge, force you to return to it or let you drown in it. I really want to make it to that celebration on the other side, I know it must be waiting. Did I do enough to get there? Do I have what it takes? Do I have time to answer these questions? No, I don’t, the time for questioning is over. Here we are focused on the crossing, and it needs our undivided attention. I no longer have the luxury of rumination. The privilege to overthink no longer exists. I’ve left something behind on that riverside, that weight that held me down. Can I just float to the other side now? Down stream if I feel. Why have gone into this seeing the river as a danger, as an enemy to be overcome? I let the water hold me, I let it hug me. I keep going where I need to go, the river with me, my wand beside me.