The Queen in me

The Queen of Pentacles. 

I haven’t written in a while. Its been months since I posted anything. I had hit a sort of spurt of consistency, of rhythm. I felt a hint of momentum rise up in me and I froze. All the fears came in screaming, some imagined, some real, in time all could certainly be overcome. 

Today I decided to come back to it. Back to the writing, to the posting, because I am so curious as to what I can do with it. I’m curious as to how I can learn to put my thoughts into words and my words onto paper, onto screen. 

I want it to make sense, I want to make me make sense to a you out there. To be able to grasp my feelings, and translate them through this medium to you. 

I opened my paws tarot deck, shuffled and allowed a card to fly out. I pulled the Queen of Pentacles. A proud pull, if I’m honest. If I could embody the ways of this Queen, I would hold myself in the highest esteem of womanhood. 

She really is the woman who has it all. A woman on a decorated throne. She serves her family, she serves her people. She is generous and kind. She can run a business and a home. She is surrounded by the natural world and lives in luxury. 

I am in awe, honestly. I have always identified with the Earth energy and she is the Queen of it. Mother of Earth.

And while I feel the pride in my ego that this card came to me today, I feel the stabs of failure with it. That I am not in her league, I don’t have a business and a family. I am in a phase of my life where I have only recently learned how to truly make decisions that are for me. I could say that maybe I have awoken this Queen in me, but I have not found my throne nor am I sure how to get it. 

The sky in the card is yellow, not blue. That’s how light her world is, how bright the sun shines for her. She looks out into the world and everything is radiated, illuminated. 

There is a small rabbit in the bottom right corner. Rabbits are often used as symbols of life, energy, fertility. And I would imagine that is what this little rabbit is telling us. The Queen of Pentacles was not long ago a maiden, now mother. Maybe that is where my sense of failure is erupting from. It is difficult to know how to embody that transition in womanhood without physically having children. I can understand it as a concept, it is just a part of growing older, we shed the innocence of youth, the innocence of being taken of, and we become the carers. Even if it is just caring for ourselves where our parents, teachers and family once cared for us. 

There is a lot happening with this card visually. A scene of mountains against a yellow sky outside the window, vines and plants inside and out and wrapped around columns. A grand throne, an over abundance of treasure. The Queen herself sits in a robe with a crown upon her head. She is holding a single pentacle. She is not holding tight, it is resting on a blue cushion, the cushion resting on her lap. She is worthy of the abundance she has and she knows it. In my cat cards, her shoes have little hearts on them. She really is filled with abundance and warmth. She serves those things and they are her gifts to give. 

The Queen of Pentacles is doing it all. She has children, a kingdom, nature around her. And she smiles, offers warmth and comfort in her bloom. 

There is of course, a reverse to this card. The shadow side of our Queen, what happens when we don’t believe in our ability to be the creators of our lives. In these cases, when the Queen forgets who she is, her nurturing nature and generosity can lead to over giving, people pleasing. She may neglect her own needs in the service of others, abandon her boundary and sacrifice herself in the shadow of her devotion to others. She may be unable to balance the work and home life she is so well known for mastering. She could turn both or either environments into stress and chaos. Instead of natural abundance and prosperity, she may become obsessed with finances or status. She may cling to material possessions or find herself entirely in a land of lack. 

These shadow meanings and the times in our lives where we pass through them are only ever our lessons. They are not a finality, only a moment in the passage of time and even if we find ourselves in a time of lack or burnout, we can use these situations to learn how to let the light back in and guide us to our more desired path. 

She is the epitome of what I wish to become, of what I wish to believe in underneath the layers of self doubt and fear I have clung to all my life. 

Oh to the woman in me that has felt unloved, the one who forgot that she has an almighty power within her. I have seen her in so places, she has longed to let her own love out, she knows that in giving it, she will be the first one it passes though. She will be warmed and fed by it. If she has any strength at all it is through the love she has held inside her. 

There is no more trying, no more searching, just a seat a top all the abundance that is flowing from her being. 

Here is the seat of love. It is steady and it is real. It grows and it nourishes. 

In the Queen of Pentacles, I have found a representation of womanhood to aspire to, to attempt to emulate. 

I can only hope to make her proud.