From me, to you

A letter to love. I have never really spoken to you, I’ve always danced around it. You appear so alluring and yet elusive to me. I’ve felt as if I can barely touch you all my life. You are forever just out of reach, at the tips of my finger tips, always coming, never arrived. 

I don’t think its you that means to do it. It must have been me. By nature you answer all calls and live in all places. It is me that has turned away. Believing even, that I could turn away. As I thaw the walls around my heart and stretch my fingers towards you, I find you are right there, ever waiting, ever ready.

You really ask for nothing, and yet I feel so undeserving. You expect only what it is I am, and still I am not enough. 

The card today was the two of cups and it took me straight to you. I do not have a partner in which to see you in, but with one or without, you live in a space that touches us all. Looking at this card, I see the two cats, they are sitting at a table enjoying cake and drinking from cups, they have their arms linked around each other as they drink, connected. A lion sits in front of them, symbolic of the passion and fire that lives in the heart of romance. A snake nearby, the coiling imagery of union. 

We are not supposed to only be alone. You made this place for us to intertwine. I do not say this as a message for single people, as a message to couple up. This is a letter to love, not marriage. This is a thought for what it means to partner with another, in romance or in other. I do not have a romantic partner, so I cannot speak too much on the complexities of longterm affairs. But I have several serious bonds in my life and I thank you for them, that you have let me feel so many things towards them and still you remain. Even in the depths of disappoint and at the heights of awe, you’re there. 

I stopped speaking to a friend of mine a few months ago. I still don’t know what is right. It is not love that disappears, because I know you, you cannot disappear. It is something else that causes rifts and closes doors to people. There is more in relationship than love. I don’t I miss her. I don’t think I do. I think the closest thing to regret that I feel would be guilt. Not even guilt for ending it, but guilt that I don’t feel bad about it. The only thing I wonder is, should we have these choices? Should I even have a say? Do we get to toss people out of the village, simply because we don’t really like them, or we feel they ‘don’t align’? I feel like I was pushed into that friendship at a time when I was easily swayed by things, when not upsetting someone was more important than listening to myself. Which is the violation on the human bond? Was there ever a violation? Aren’t we all just human souls floating around trying to find you, love?

I never imagined I would be single this far into my 30s. I didn’t believe I’d have to face the societal stereotype of ‘single woman in her 30s’, the living Sex and the city, although that is not, and has never been, how I date. To date is an odd concept. I think it takes what this card stands for and twists it into a product. Dating: connection by capitalism. Most of my experiences in my life have been from meeting someone through friends or work, but there was a time I got caught in the ‘dating game’. Exhausting, that’s all I really found. Authenticity is hard to come by and everyone else always seemed as exhausted as me. All of us putting on our best face, wanting desperately to ‘pass’. To be seen as a catch, one of the good ones, “Please, like me, even if I don’t like you.’ Then we added the internet, and for those of us that saw that addition come into play, there was a new layer of embarrassment and shame added to the equation. 

The two of cups. Its about romance and relationship. That’s the role it plays in the tarot. A new love affair, the deepening or reigniting an old one. Engagement or fulfilment, this card tells those stories. Just looking at this happy picture, in this paws tarot deck, I think the joy and silliness is added but two figures, side by side, sharing the cups and so sharing their emotions is most definitely the message here. A painting hangs behind them; a small house, with trees and mountains in the background. A place any couple would retreat to. A place to make their own. 

The snake. The snake brings me to another side of connection. And that is the connection with ourselves. Reversed this card can bring up self love, or a lack of it. Snake symbolism is everywhere in our lives and often represents unity. It is the snake coiled up at the base of our spines, waiting to move its energy upward and awaken us. The snake is a quiet yet powerful creature, moving slow and smooth and yet it can be deadly, as turning away from love can be. 

To live a life full of you, love. I must invite you, I must make space. I see you’re always there but you will wait for me. How long will I make myself wait? You may not do the work for me, you may not text first, but you’re waiting by the phone and you never miss a call. I’ve always heard that love is work, its a verb, its constant action. And in a sense that’s true. There are arguments to be made there and we could all probably put more effort into showing our love to others. But keeping love away, that’s more work. Trying to think yourself into better relationships is harder than just showing up. I hope I can find deeper places to hold you, and bigger ways to become you.