Pain is the only thing that knew me

When it all just feels too much
And somehow not enough
When the overwhelm of how little you feel hits you 
Scared of these moments 
And yet, they are sometimes all I have
I crave for the pain not to end 
Because with pain 
I feel I matter 
The pain matters
It consumes me and doesn’t let go 
It holds me, the only thing to hold me
The only thing that never left
The only thing that knows me

I lived like that, for a long time. The highlights of my life were breakdowns because they were the only moments that felt real. Everything else was a mask, a show to get by undetected, unnoticed. 

That was my life. A person who never learned that to be themselves was ok. To be happy or sad - or feel anything else - was ok. I acted and I mirrored - I played the role I thought would earn me love. 

One on one situations were best. I could read the other person, jump on their vibe and be exactly what they needed. People pleasing. It’s a response. One that kept me safe. Safe from being exposed. At some point exposing myself must have brought me great shame because I was so afraid to do it. So many years wasted due to it. So many relationships poisoned by it. 

Its so scary to me. To be seen. I’ve had strong opinions my whole life, but I have always been afraid to upset someone with them. Upsetting someone would mean two things. One, that they don’t approve of me or don’t like me, which triggers intense shame in me. It triggers abandonment. If I’m abandoned then I’m excluded, and my system avoids that. Two, I could cause shame in them. Which is too painful for me because I work so hard to avoid it in myself. I cannot inflict it in another. It hurts me too. 

I shame myself for the first reason, call myself a coward and admire people braver than I. I pride myself on the second. That I’m so kind and I care about people, I could never be mean. 

A vicious, narcissistic cycle - for myself, and those around me. 

It is not what I respect. 

It is not what I really am. 

It does not come from - give - love. 

It took me years to even see this clearly — to realise that what I thought was kindness was often fear in disguise.

Getting past all of this has been difficult. It has been slow, painful and necessary. It has taught me kindness and compassion. Without those I would hate myself, and I would hate everyone else too. The journey of uncovering and owning these parts of myself has certainly been humbling. I find superiority very hard to fall into now. Where I usually found it easy to slip into judgment, I now slide further into love. And where once I would put myself beneath others, I find myself asserting grace and standing up for myself.  Without myself, I am voiceless. Without yourself, you are too. 

It has been a long time from my worst to where I am now and it is still unfolding. My perspectives had to shift, old wounds needed to be nursed and cared for, my self image remodelled. But my life has more joy now than ever. The love I have and give is solid and grounded and yet it has wings and is free. This is my stand in this world. A pursuit of joy and love. A life led by me, for me. It was made possible when I took accountability for myself and all the things that caused me, to be me. 

Separating accountability and blame can be tricky. Taking responsibility for all parts of yourself - as well all the actions taken by that self - can be challenging when it wasn’t your choice to be that way in the first place.

There are so many things I never asked for. So many things taught to me, shown to me, done to me, that if I could I go back and choose my early journey of development - I would choose differently. In theory anyway, in practice I have grown to care and accept myself so deeply that I have covered the past in a blanket of peace and thank it for bringing me the person I am. 

That’s today, anyway. Tomorrow maybe I see something else, reframe the past yet again. And we can do that, change the way we see the past. Make it mean something else, something more helpful, more healing. 

I don’t mean to lean into lying to yourself, sugar coating things that may have happened, seeing the bright side or forcing positivity where you feel none. Nothing can be forced. If you look back at a time in your life, or an event, a person and it sucks, then it sucks. Don’t attempt to change it, let it suck and see what it turns into. Things are always changing, often unnoticeably, but always. 

Let me break it down this way: 

Things happen to you as you develop and they shape how you behave - not your fault 

Your behaviour and reactions to things shape your world and your life - your responsibility

You can take accountability or blame everything else - your choice 

You release your attachment to your identity and let things evolve, grown and change - this is magic.

Welcome to magic. It’s not unreal like we’ve been told. Its not supernatural or otherworldly. It is very much of this world and very much exists. And this magic — this internal shift — doesn’t end with me. It has everything to do with how we live in the world.

Its strange how we relate to ourselves and living on Earth. As if we are not made from it. As if we are not actually a part of it. Connected - in quite a real, physical manner - to it. When you look at a tree, do you question why it’s here? What its purpose is above the other trees? No, it’s just a tree. 

You are just a person. I am just a person. Hi. 

It is a wild time to be alive. On the edge of wars. Physical, maybe nuclear. Culture wars, gender wars, religious wars, everything wars. Every duality coming up against each other. A rise in understanding though. Human understanding. People everywhere waking up to themselves, to the absurdity of doing anything other than just existing. 

Peace, love, joy - radical ideas in the current climate. I know we are all sick of everything in the self help world being radical. I know I am. But the further I go down the thought rabbit hole of peace, love and joy, the more I realise how much how world is built in the absence of it, how much we all crave these things, and how actively placing them as the values by which we live is an act of rebellion - a rebellion I’m here to win.