Find reasons to celebrate

Today I have pulled the Four of Wands. The card is representative of celebrations, of success, unions and community. This could be surprises or parties, putting down roots, or families coming together. A card that indicates prosperity, it tells you to be proud of your achievements, whether here or on their way. 

All around a positive card. It looks happy too. Four wands stand tall, the poles are laced together with flowers, creating an arch, a space to stand under and celebrate. Two figures are dancing beneath it, flowers in hand, smiling, cheering. This card is all about the cheering. A big castle behind symbolises the community here. That this celebration is for or with a whole place. 

It got me thinking about weddings. How different we see weddings as a society these days. Some people outright look down on them, others still highly covet that one perfect day. 

At its core, many would say weddings are a celebration. The event that brings two people, and so, two peoples together. A bridging of worlds and communities. And why wouldn’t we eat, drink and be merry on such an occasion? 

Others are reminded about what sparked this union of worlds in the first place. If not love, then what? Power and money. Marriage was of course often use to trade women for power, stability, social status or money. Women bought and sold for men to create alliances and grow their own interests. 

A wedding could often be a celebration of this union while, behind a veil, a bride cried. 

So what does that mean to us today? Many of us still live with the conditioning that a wedding is an accomplishment. It is something to be congratulated for and therefore, celebrated. A goal to work towards. It is more of a life event, one that involves love, which should always be celebrated, formally or informally. 

But other than showing off some organisational skills and displaying varying amounts of money, what was the accomplishment? For women, marriage used to mean survival, so finding a good man, or a well off man was a kind of accomplishment, we guaranteed the survival of ourselves, our future children and maybe even our extended family. Pretty well done there. For men, I suppose they lived up to the societal pressure, ticked it off their lists if that was what was expected of them. But now? 

Marriage still holds some sort of status symbol in our society. Married people are often taken more seriously or looked at as ‘complete’, doing their part or less selfish than their single counterparts.

Even being in long term de-facto relationships doesn’t always seem to hold the same weight as marriage in many circles. Like you’re not really in the club if you haven’t got the paperwork, or had the day. 

Is there any part of wanting to be married, officially married, declared in front of all your family and friends married, that is genuine to our human experience, or is it all conditioning? 

Feeling attached and in love with someone is unarguable. Love, unquestionable. But love, partnership, devotion, commitment, sacrifice, are not things that need marriage to exist, or to survive. Do we need a third force to keep us locked in? If our family, friends and community didn’t have us bound into it, would we be more likely to cut and run? 

We all know divorce rates are higher than ever now. Any nuanced person knows this is for many reasons, not just a lack of willingness to stick it out for better or worse. Is it life’s worst or each others worst? And I think this is where so many have missed the mark, and in particular, where so many men have found technicalities and social norms to hide behind.  

For better or worse? If life throws us a burned down house, a terminal illness or the loss. Family member, I would include it in the marriage contract. But, life got hard and I turned into a spiteful, hurtful, abusive, unhelpful and un-helpable version of myself, I fear I have turned my back on the agreement before anyone has mentioned divorce. 

I think men have hidden behind women being unable to leave marriages. I think they have abused its contactable power. This is what really smeared the ‘sanctity’ of marriage. 

I still hold some form of marriage fantasy in my head. I still feel the swell of validation at the idea of being chosen, of being the object of attention, admiration and beauty. Even though, in reality, if I were to walk down an aisle, I think I would feel mostly embarrassment. Why would I make people watch that? An intimate moment of two people handing themselves to one and other. I would rather do it alone, in the everyday, in all the moments of my life. A party, sure, why not. As this card depicts, parties are a way of life and weddings are a great excuse. Two people want to mark the moment they commit to one another. When I put it like that I can’t help but smile, and if It brings us all together, people from different places, to drink and eat and dance, then carry on.

Do we even celebrate enough these days? Pulling this card has me thinking, no, we don’t. Not really, now in the ways we love to. Birthdays, weddings, Christmas parties and a bit of easter. Carnival in some countries and a few more celebrations here and there across cultures but here in the west, we are certainly lacking. More and more the culture of ‘no thanks, I like staying home’ is winning out over communal gatherings.

I loved it as a kid. Even when I wanted to go home I think I still loved it. Hearing music, seeing dancing, eating sweets. Indulging in a manner that is collective, temporary and on occasion. But the occasions are becoming fewer and the collectives more isolated. 

In the cities we all talk about how life is losing those parts and we still have, its just out in villages now, we say. But we lock our doors, open our phones and disassociate  into the fantasy of connection and community. We all miss it, nostalgic for it, but we don’t seem willing to create it. To leave our comfort for it. 

We are all so worried for so many dangers in our world. The rise of fascism, rapid climate change, resource over extraction, violence and trafficking are all real and immanent dangers but what I really fear, is our addiction to comfort. The way comfort gets in the way of action. It will block us from standing up for others and eventually even ourselves. It will break down communities and disallow the formation of new ones. 

I’m usually not this pessimistic and I’m surprised that such a positive card has taken me down this road, but I fear we are losing this card in the world. That this sense of surprise and celebration is dwindling and being outshone by phone screens. 

Maybe its why I feel this constant nag to go out more, talk more, reach out more. Be the change we want to see, isn’t that all we can do? And I know I’m not the only one, I know, in reality, most of us want to stand up and save our world. Most of us can see the harm, can see the insanity in which our planet is run and we really want to help. Maybe facing our discomfort is how we help. Doing the weird thing, having the hard talk, being embarrassed because you spoke up, all of that cheesy shit. Its all on point. And it’s all we’ve got.